"There's always gonna be another mountain, I'm always gonna want to make it move"
Everytime I hear these words in Miley Cyrus' "The Climb" it brings tears to my eyes. Seriously, every time. It's been embarassing at times while in inopportune places and this song comes on. :) When I was pregnant with Aly, right about the time of her diagnosis, this song was on the radio 14834736 times a day. I listened to it but I didn't really listen to it until one day I was driving down the road thinking about our journey ahead and I really listened. And I cried and cried and cried. The lyrics to that song describe to a "T" how it felt to be pregnant with a child with a broken heart. And there was NOTHING I could really do about it.
A little background on me.... I'm a fixer. I'm a planner. To an extent that I can't describe. I have always been that person. I have friends and family that come to me to fix things all the time. From simple things to more complex things. If they think it can't be done, they call me. It's my favorite thing in the world to help people with things. To fix their problems, to find the answers they are looking for. I love it. Every year (almost) we take a big vacation with anywhere from 6 people to 15 people. I plan the whole entire thing for everyone. I pick the dates, I find the airline tickets, I plan the hotel stays, airport transfers, activities, passports, I hold the tickets until we go, I organize things up and down, backwards and forwards and I love every minute of it. So what I'm trying to say is, I adore nothing more in life than to be the go-to person, the fix-it person, the answer person- even if I don't have it, I will find it.
Over the last 16 months I have brought to my knees with my inability to "fix" the biggest problem that I have ever been handed. And it frustrates me to NO END. It has affected my sense of self worth greatly. If I can't fix problems anymore, than who am I? Everytime someone asks my about Aly and her heart, I am thrilled and could talk for days about how she's doing, what's she's been through and what's to come. I am so proud of her and will tell her story to anyone who listens. But as soon as someone asks me, "How are you doing?" or "How do you do it?" I immediately tear up and can't speak. I don't know why. It's always been that way. I have gotten a little better- to the point where I only tear up. I used to burst into tears if someone asked us how I was doing with everything and there was no stopping it. And I think it is because I can't control it. I can't fix things. I can't make it better. And it's hard for me to admit to myself that Aly will never be "cured". Her next surgery may not be the end. There may be more, there may not. But this is never going to go away. She is always going to have half a heart. always. And I can't change that.
I heard "The Climb" this morning and the way to work and that line got me again, like it always does. This mountain that Aly is climbing, I would give my life to move it out of the way for her to give her a nice easy straight path to walk through life. And I can't. Not even a little nudge. The best I can do is walk with her every step and climb when it's time to climb and hold her as high as I can to help her fight be easier and help give her the strength to endure. Yet another lesson I feel that God is trying to teach me.
I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming
There's a voice inside my head says
You'll never reach it
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
lost with no direction
my faith is shaken
I've gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm gonna always wanna make it move
Always keep be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing
the chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But, no I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments
I'm gonna remember most
just gotta keep going